My blog has been very quiet lately. The
truth is, I didn’t have the energy to write everything has transpired in the
past few months: the good, the bad…the ugly. I think part of me didn’t want to
write it out because writing is very therapeutic for me and I know that I’m
going to feel everything as I write this. But I hope what I write will not only
give you an “update” but also maybe be a word that someone needs to hear..I
guess that’s what I always hope to happen through my writing.
As I looked at the calendar I realized that
one year ago today is the day that “J” came to our house. When she came I knew
that there was a very large chance that “J” was not going to be returning to
her biological family and that they were looking for a forever home for her. I
thought we would be that forever home…or at least I was hoping to. Anyone who
has read this blog knows that “J” has lived through a lot of rough things in
her life and a lot of homes. From the day she came here, the road was bumpy,
sometimes extremely bumpy. She hit some very “low” times within the first few
months of being here and quite frankly we were exhausted and wondering if our
family could withstand the stress of having her here. However, after a few more
months and A LOT of extra resources “J” started to turn a corner. I felt there
was hope. One of the big parts of J’s story is that she has a brother in which
she is VERY close to and while I will not share the details, she was separated
from him. Near the end of last summer, they began to visit one another. Two
things happened: one was how overwhelmingly close they were and how apparent that
someone made a mistake in separating them and two, her behavior started to become
quite difficult again. It was so confusing for such a small child to be torn between
these two worlds: her home here and her brother (who doesn’t live in town).
Prayerfully, we began to discern whether it really would be best for the two of
them to be reunited. I am thankful to have established a relationship with her
brother’s foster parents and after several months we decided that it would be
best for them to be together; being apart was difficult for both of them and
the two of them have a bond like no other. We began transitional visits for
about a month or so and then on December 2nd we brought her to her
new home. We had prepared for that moment as best as we could. She had been
excited to go and live there but when we got there, it was HARD. I tried so
much to be strong for her, though my heart was breaking into a million pieces.
I was praying that we were doing the right thing for her and for everyone. I
love that little girl so much and she will always be my daughter. Her little
hand is forever imprinted on my heart.
At the very same time all of this was going
on, things took a MAJOR change with baby “Z.” A few days before we said goodbye
to J, we had a surprising phone call that said his parents wanted to meet with
us and talk about allowing us to adopt “Z!” It was an emotional roller coaster.
I will keep private what happened in that visit but I can say that it was holy
ground and we will forever be grateful for the sacrifice they were making for
their son. TWO DAYS after we said goodbye to “J” we went to court where his
parents would sign the necessary paperwork. I decided to get cards for his
parents and also a special picture and frame of Z for them. As I was driving to
court, I couldn’t help but think about the sacrifice of both of them but
especially of his mother. I am not a mother who has given up my biological
child and do not want to claim to know what that feels like, but I had just
done what I thought was the right thing for J and allowed her to go and be
raised by another family. I had let go of a piece of my own heart and knowing the
heartache of that made me feel so much for the loss that Z’s mom (and dad) who
were and still are, feeling such loss. I am so thankful for the ability to be a
part of God’s redeeming plan on Z’s life. We love him so much and are
overwhelmed at how much he is a part of our family and can’t imagine if he wasn’t
our forever son/brother/grandson/nephew. He is a Barkley! We cannot wait until
it is official (there is a lot of paperwork and legal “stuff” that needs to be
done for the adoption and it can take 6-9 months+).
Now here we are not quite two months later.
Things have continued to be a roller coaster ride. We received another little
girl “K” back in early November. She has been diagnosed with a serious medical
condition in which we have been fighting. I’ve been in contact with J’s new
family and things have been hard for her. However, a bombshell was dropped
yesterday when they called to update me. Her foster mom let me know that it was
discovered that J has a medical condition, one that could have explained a lot
of her difficult behaviors as well as things that we saw and were concerned
about. It has raised up so many emotions. First, I’m mad that no one listened
when I shared my concerns, I’m mad that no other professional discovered this
and I think most of all I feel guilty, guilty that I didn’t push more until
someone figured it out, guilty for not knowing the poor girl was suffering from
a medical condition when it looked like a lot of behavioral issues…and I think
most of all, wondering if it would have changed anything. Would she still be
here with us…would life with her and her ability to live apart from her brother
been more manageable. I still believe they should have never been separated in the
first place but so much pain and heartache for both of them…oh how the system
has failed them on so many levels. These children need advocates, people who
will fight for them; who will be their voice. At this same time, I’ve had to
FIGHT for “K” because I KNEW that there was something REALLY wrong and the
doctor was NOT listening. She had to suffer for at least 2 months. So many
things are just not right; they are not fair for these kids.
The truth is foster care (and adoption) is
HARD. There is a lot of pain involved. One of the most painful parts is not to
be able to see the whole picture (on so many levels). I’ve been thinking about 1
Corinthians 13:12 that talks about seeing things in dimly lit mirror, however,
I really resonated with the New Living Translation of this scripture “Now we
see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will
see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and
incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows
me completely.”
In this world, we see thing imperfectly. I
long for the clarity that God has. for the fullness of time when, we too will
see with such clarity. It is so painful to not know things clearly, to wonder
if decisions you’ve made or directions you have taken are the ones that should
be. Only God sees the complete “puzzle.”So in the meantime, I pray for God to
guide me. Then I ask God to redeem those mistakes that I have made and for
those times that I go the wrong way, for God to turn me around and get me back
on the path that God intends me to be on. So in this time of incompleteness and
seeing things only partially, I will cling to my God and my Savior who sees
everything perfectly clear.
